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12.4.06

what's the price of love got to do with love

No one reads this anymore anyway.
Good.
Because I officially announce the end of my academic career. I am unfit for academia. It boils down to this.
Either I'm weak or my interests are weak.
I refuse to admit my own weakness. I'm going to be a businesswoman like the rest of mankind.
Heh.
This blog has no more interesting content, either. Don't expect any more sparks of hope from me, no more of that save the beauty shit.
Nuh
uh.
This girl finds number theory terminally boring,
and topology overused. She finds pure things most unpure and distasteful.
Computers are a waste of time. Programming is the silliest and shallowest thing ev-ar. String theory is a bunch of gay dog shit, if dog shit had sexual preferences.
Really.
I told Madeline today... you know how some idealistic people marry poor artists and say... well I'm so in love, who cares... love is transcendental, love will conquer all. And then they fall out of love because of their own personal embitterment and they're left with neither love nor material goods.
You know what?
It's better to be left with money than to be left with nothing at all. I'm trying to save myself from the utmost corner of cynicism.
I can't believe it.
As much as I say I have no more love for mathematics anymore, I still find it a very wonderful subject. I'm not going to be another mathematician who ends up bitter and taking it out on math. No one really loves math anymore. We're too poor to ignore the perils of society. We're not superhuman, despite how much we want to keep on loving what we chose to study. We can't help but be bitter! I know all of us, when we have plenty, don't care about living like a slum, or barely making ends meet for whatever family we choose to have. But when we really get to that stage... we do care. We really do. And the secular frustrations will end up winning over our original passion. Silly things like taxes - we still giggle when adults moan over their paycheck - but honestly, one day we'll be like that too. If I had the capacity to, I would chose never to betray myself and the subject I loved in my childhood... so thus, I will never walk that path. To be honest... that's only a small portion of why I'm giving up math... there is so much I wish I could say but really don't wish to write it down. I'm so afraid of being misunderstood.
You'll never hear me crying
You'll never see me trying
To love you once again
Your love
is
so
past tense.

There's nothing going on in my life. Don't even worry about it. I'm just getting by one person at a time. Since I have found everyone boring, I'm now just going through different parachutes to keep me living like a small carrot dangled in front of my poor rabbit self. Currently, my attention is resorting to some boy in Chile, who happens to be the second youngest son of my calculus teacher. Within a few weeks I'll probably get bored of him and move on to some other girl in Venezuela, who happens to be daughter of the founding father of sidewalks. Hey, who knows! If I move with sufficient fluidity, I might even talk to you! Haha.
That was meant to be a joke.

Funny, this song has chords that sound like little plump raindrops or something. It's called Recuparar, by Sara Valenzuela. I guess that's how I feel. I'm recuperating from the shock of being robbed of the only definite thing I had in my life. I thought I had loved something forever, something constant. That's why I didn't need friends, family, a lover, or anything. I never felt inadequate. I had all my acquaintences asking me all the time - why haven't you gotten a new boyfriend? Why don't you ever feel lonely in this world with all your friends being so different and unreal? Don't you wish you had someone to talk to?

And I answered no... I'm very independent and I'm fine... because I love what I do, I love my life, I love what I do with my life. It's a type of drive, a curiosity... it's like, a search for something that will always be a centimeter out of grasp, it's that thrill that will always take up my entire mind. I really have no room for somebody to share. I occupy myself sufficiently. My life was writing. My life was manipulation; my life was playing in an abstract playground and pushing others away so I could slide first, down a slide that frankly doesn't exist.

So now that the fire in my life has been stamped out, naturally I seek outside and try to talk to humans and try to empathize and try to laugh and build a real friendship (in which I don't get tossed aside because some boyfriend stepped in - it's like I don't exist anymore when couples get together!)... naturally I find people boring, naturally I get disappointed... so now, I really do want someone to talk to... I really do want a friend... hey, is it too late in life to start realizing that having someone is important? As a backup to your life's devotion? That the work you love so much isn't as dependent and concrete as you thought? Is there anyone in this world who could possibly understand me completely, end to end, anyone who could hold me, anyone who believes in me, anyone who agrees with me, anyone who can make me cry by saying things about me that are so true but that I overlook, anyone to warn me of a pitfall, anyone who gives a fuck about me? Because sorry, I just don't give a fuck about the world... I'm kind of cold, I'm kind of spoiled.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god but what have I done

Can't change the way I am.

I'm saving you from a future fall, Demosthenes... I hope that you'll forgive me. It's better to get over a relationship that lasted five years than to forsake a relationship that really (society-wise) had become your entire life... a span of up to your entire lifetime. It's better to feel sad now, it's better to try and find another occupation before you fall for the wrong one and end up bitter like the rest of the emo intellectuals. So much for ivory towers, you just don't belong there.

You'll thank me in the end.

3 Comments:

  • I still read your blog, at least once every few months or so when you somehow stumble upon it and post something..

    I have no strenghts and no interests. Nothing in the real world seems to make me feel any positive feelings at all. The only strong emotions I ever experience hit me when I'm "living" the life of someone else inside a fictional world. I am this way because I'm unable to find a purpose of anything I'm doing. Without a goal to journey towards there can be no meaningful events in life. If I'm not consciously fighting as fiercely as I can to influence something I have no greater purpose in the world than any powerless beast living primitively and just doing exactly what's required to survive.

    But that isn't the point.. Now believing what I've written above I've been trying to find some sort of goal, something to make my existence purposeful. I may have actually found something that if achieved would give some meaning to my life but I know for sure that it will take me over a decade to get to a state in which I might accomplish the deed.

    Here's where it gets tricky.. I will have to spend the 10+ years required on nothing but preparation. In order to even have the chance to achieve I'll have to dedicate all of my time and effort to my goal for such a long period of time! I am to do this without being interested at all in what I will be doing.. Basically it will give me nothing emotionally to start working on this, the only time I feel is when I'm someone else.. The seeming impossibility of my task has granted me some conclusions on choice.

    The only way to ever have true freedom of choice is to learn to completely ignore all feelings in all decision making processes. Otherwise all one can hope to be is a slave to ones past, a slave to the history of experiences that has formed the emotional being one is and such all decision making and all future experiences.
    The logical mind must rule supreme over all that is tied to emotion.

    Now Demie, you're saying that you're not fit for academia because you're either too weak or have interests that are too weak. If you really believe that a life of academia might be a life worth living maybe you should try it. You do possess the ability to act freely and determine the path your life should take. Whatever you choose to do, you will certainly live a happy life anyways.. Happiness can be found in almost everything if one can convince oneself that life could be no other way than it currently is.

    (I'm sorry for wasting your time if you find this to be bullshit)

    By Anonymous Anónimo, at 12:34  

  • "You'll never hear me crying
    You'll never see me trying
    To love you once again
    Your love
    is
    so
    past tense."

    I really liked that...

    By Blogger kimchumpa, at 22:32  

  • Yep, math is pretty disheartening and lacking in purpose

    By Anonymous Anónimo, at 08:17  

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