not labeled for individual retail sale

16.1.06

lol, me being stupid... =D

Well, okay - I found out I was a contemptible waif and I've been poisoning his worldviews for a long time, and he claims to have really liked me, but two days afterwards he started dating one of my close friends. So... ignore the last post please, I was just being really stupid and blinded by feelings, because that happens to even the most logical girls of all time. Hehe... sorry, I swear I will never date again. It's very pointless because all good things have to come to an end and you always discover (and hate yourself for it) that you've wasted so much time. What gets me is I really wish they weren't so awkward about it. I sincerely don't have a problem with them dating; on the contrary, I wish the best for them. I know it sounds wrong because most people are supposed to be angry, but... yes... sadly, I'd kill to see her smile. And I'd kill more to see him smile. I'd do anything for happiness, because (I guess) I've never experienced much of it so I view it as something precious - the best gift you can give any person you care about. I'm not doing this because I want to be a good person or whatever, or that I want to feel better - or anything of that sort. I actually want to see them happy. How fucked up is that?! Honestly, I'm not really sure if I'm faking it and not knowing it, because it sounds so unfeasible. I know I'm not a very nice person, really, so you can understand why I doubt myself when I say that. But that's just how I feel. I have no clue. I always thought in situations like this I'd be extremely bitter for a long time, especially since I liked him a lot. Occasionally I will feel that way, for him being a jackass thanks to all the words and thoughts I've never said, but that's usually because something triggered it, like a really bad flashback. I've just been very horribly misunderstood. I would want to explain it all, but I can't see a point in trying to now because it's the past, and it would be very silly to bring it up. There's too much effort involved and you guys all know I'm very inert. I don't mind having this issue being misunderstood for all eternity as long as it doesn't pop up. Which it won't. If I try to explain myself he'll probably be pissed at me all over again. If he ever reads this post he will be very pissed, but I know he won't, because he doesn't know this of this blog =D

I love my blogspot sometimes, none of my friends remember that I even update. ^.^ So I can say whatever the hell I want! w00t! I just wish I spent more time learning math and less time with him now. Regret regret regret =( Why did I go out with someone who didn't even like me?? Morever, why did I try to help him in all the wrong ways? A large part of it is my fault because I never thought how he might take it (he took it quite offensively). I think I made him feel worthless =( but that's the problem with him, see? He wants to date the first person that comforts him... does he ever think about compatibility? He's not worthless, he's actually very talented and witty, but he doubts himself a lot, so it seems like he always needs some girl to be there for him and cheer him up. He's not independent enough. I mean, can't he find happiness outside of a relationship? Why can't he be more mature? He needs to grow up soon or he'll be very, very hurt one day. And I'm not going to see this because, well, in a few years I bet I won't even know his name. So I won't be able to talk some sense into him. That really worries me! He'll fuck himself over!! I thought he was a very smart guy, why can't he figure out that he needs to be independent first before he starts dating if he can figure out galois theory?? All he's going to do is discover that whoever he's dating isn't right for him, and start the cycle over, and over, and over again. With different crushes! That's not a very satisfying way to live life. Oh well. It's his, I guess. He has a huge problem with me drinking, btw (he was disgusted and he ran away lol)... and I have a huge problem with him throwing himself into relationships without considering how he will feel after it's all over... it's like he doesn't respect himself at all, just like I waste myself. It's a lack of self respect, and if any of you guys have any sense, you can see it's basically tantamount to drinking (except on an emotional level). Case in point:

12:53:32 twilson456zwan: whats up on your end
12:54:44 functorface: nothing, just...
12:54:49 functorface: talking to keely
12:54:52 functorface: aren just stormed off
12:54:54 functorface: they won't be dating
12:54:55 functorface: it's al ong story
12:54:58 functorface: i'm trying to comfort people
12:54:59 twilson456zwan: yeah..
12:55:03 twilson456zwan: keely mentuioned it
12:55:05 functorface: i'm trying to maintain like
12:55:09 functorface: never mind
12:55:12 twilson456zwan: k
12:55:13 twilson456zwan: i wont
12:55:25 functorface: i'm always the one who's trying to make others feel better lol
12:55:28 functorface: but it doesn't work
12:55:34 functorface: and i'm very sad and frustrated myself
12:55:43 functorface: i just want to go to sleep and do math and eat ice cream all day
12:55:45 functorface: does that sound familiar?
12:55:52 functorface: three greatest wants, since i was 11
12:55:56 functorface: i think they will last a lifetime
12:55:59 twilson456zwan: : )
12:55:59 functorface: nothing beats those three things
12:56:00 functorface: nothing
12:56:06 twilson456zwan: ha
12:59:36 functorface: *SIGH
12:59:57 twilson456zwan: ich auch
1:00:05 functorface: say something cool
1:00:08 twilson456zwan: ummm
1:00:13 twilson456zwan: like......
1:00:16 functorface: tell me that one day i'll be in college or something
1:00:19 functorface: and things will be cool
1:00:22 twilson456zwan: you will
1:00:31 functorface: and people won't have these stupid feeling thingies that fluctuate. it's not real, it's infatuations
1:00:32 functorface: jesus christ
1:00:38 functorface: i wish ww was more mature
1:00:52 functorface: he goes through infatuations
1:01:03 functorface: whoever is there at the moment who helps him go through one crush to the next
1:01:12 functorface: will become his new obsession
1:01:14 functorface: it's so stuipd
1:01:19 functorface: why can't he just get settled with one girl
1:01:22 functorface: that he truly likes
1:02:00 functorface: seriously, it's so because of him. keely is tied into this now too
1:02:05 functorface: if he didn't like people so often
1:02:08 functorface: drama wouldn't happen
1:02:14 functorface: he's so unstable, he kind of disgusts me in that way
1:02:21 functorface: that he's kind of selfish when it comes to crushes
1:02:24 functorface: and he makes other people feel bad
1:02:31 functorface: and they're only crushes!!
1:02:37 functorface: if it were someone he loved, i can totally understand
1:02:39 functorface: but it happens so often
1:02:41 twilson456zwan: hang on
1:02:43 twilson456zwan: i gotta read it
1:02:43 twilson456zwan: lol
1:02:45 twilson456zwan: all...
1:03:30 twilson456zwan: yeah
1:03:32 functorface: everyone just gets sick of it
1:03:34 twilson456zwan: hes like shinji from eva...
1:03:35 functorface: and gets sucked in
1:03:36 twilson456zwan: lol...sorry
1:03:41 functorface: whos shinji
1:04:04 functorface: dude... im still angry
1:04:21 functorface: i mean, keely's another girl he's touched, then who? lucky for ellie that she was mature
1:04:36 functorface: bella? pamelia? christine?
1:04:42 functorface: he affects everyone
1:04:45 twilson456zwan: i don know
1:04:50 functorface: doesn't he realize what he's doing??
1:04:52 twilson456zwan: i wouldnt worry about it too much...
1:04:55 twilson456zwan: hes a good kid....
1:04:57 functorface: people take him seriously but he doesn't take them seriously and in the end
1:05:00 twilson456zwan: its not as bad as it seems....
1:05:00 functorface: it's kind of like
1:05:06 twilson456zwan: : ) i know...
1:05:08 functorface: i know it's not as bad, but keely is an emotional girl
1:05:12 twilson456zwan: dont think im being an ass or somhting
1:05:15 twilson456zwan: yeah
1:05:15 functorface: and he knows that
1:05:18 functorface: i know you're not being an ass!
1:05:43 functorface: i'm sad that he's sad, but i'm angry at him because he made keely sad, and all sadness can be avoided if he learned how to separate crushes from long-term ....
1:05:45 functorface: i don't know
1:05:57 functorface: it's just, why is he so dating retarded? but he's dated so much
1:06:11 twilson456zwan: he has?
1:06:24 functorface: yeah!!!
1:06:26 functorface: he HAS
1:06:35 functorface: his ex gf list is ...,.
1:06:38 functorface: crazy
1:06:42 twilson456zwan: oh
1:06:49 functorface: jeeeeesus christ
1:06:54 functorface: what makes him fucking happy
1:07:00 functorface: he's never satisfied
1:07:05 functorface: just like i am. im always depressed
1:07:13 functorface: but not because i need someone
1:07:19 functorface: i just have problems with myself
1:07:21 functorface: and my dreams
1:07:30 functorface: but it's like he always needs someone!!
1:07:39 functorface: he needs to realize that any someone isn't the right answer
1:07:48 functorface: he should wait and search for a better and more fruitful relationships
1:07:54 functorface: than these small short-lived ones that make him hurt
1:07:56 functorface: and ultimately
1:07:58 functorface: make the other side
1:07:59 functorface: hurt too
1:08:23 functorface: it might be kind of sad to be single and stuff, but we can all exist without a significant other
1:08:32 functorface: he needs to realize that he is a friggen person himself too
1:08:35 functorface: and he has self-worth
1:08:41 functorface: and he doesn't need some girl to boost him up
1:09:03 functorface: and if he does that he will date less but he will date ppl more compatible with him
1:09:12 functorface: and the breakups less nasty, misunderstandings less nasty, etc
1:09:21 functorface: quality > quantity
1:09:21 twilson456zwan: yeah...true
1:09:24 functorface: i'm not saying keely
1:09:26 functorface: is a bad person
1:09:27 functorface: i love her!!!
1:09:30 functorface: it's just...
1:09:30 twilson456zwan: yeah
1:09:31 functorface: he's never
1:09:31 twilson456zwan: iknow..
1:09:33 functorface: considered
1:09:33 twilson456zwan: ...
1:09:35 functorface: if they'd work
1:10:11 functorface: would you rather have summer flings that affect you a lot and makes you moody (vicious cycle) or a long year of deep romance that ends, but at least you get something out of it other than flirtations and a lot of hurt
1:10:22 functorface: i prefer the long-term, don't you?
1:10:23 twilson456zwan: mmhmm
1:10:25 functorface: yeah
1:10:27 twilson456zwan: yeah
1:10:30 twilson456zwan: thats why im always single
1:10:32 functorface: and long term relationships take OBSERVATION
1:10:40 functorface: not the first person you see
1:10:44 functorface: that is interested in you.
1:10:50 functorface: sorry i'm ranting
1:10:53 functorface: i've never ranted to you so much
1:10:56 functorface: i'm just sick of it
1:10:58 functorface: very sick of it
1:11:02 functorface: and i thought he knew better.
1:11:12 twilson456zwan: yeah
1:11:14 twilson456zwan: i know
1:11:19 twilson456zwan: everyone has problems though...
1:11:26 twilson456zwan: he does need to see
1:11:29 twilson456zwan: that he is worth something
1:11:32 twilson456zwan: i give you that
1:11:38 twilson456zwan: i dont think he thinks much of himself
1:11:41 twilson456zwan: and he SHOULD
1:11:44 twilson456zwan: hes a great guy
1:11:48 functorface: i agree
1:11:52 twilson456zwan: and when he actually talks and jokes, he is FUNNY
1:11:58 twilson456zwan: but he hides that
1:12:00 twilson456zwan: he gets shy
1:12:15 functorface: maybe on monday when he explains the mordell-lang conjecture to me i'll point out to him that he might be the only 17 y/o in the state of indiana who can do that
1:12:34 functorface: see? i mean, he has talent
1:14:03 functorface: not only is he humorous, he's good at math
1:14:28 twilson456zwan: yeah
1:14:31 functorface: im damn hungry...
1:14:33 twilson456zwan: hes gonna do so much
1:14:37 twilson456zwan: or at leat, he can
1:14:40 functorface: lol
1:14:43 twilson456zwan: least*
1:14:51 functorface: oh yeah, we're going to totally prove the riemann together
1:14:53 functorface: hahahaha
1:17:50 twilson456zwan: nice
1:18:20 functorface: it's not going to happen but it's fun to pretend
1:18:29 functorface: like we're child geniuses who finally have the answer
1:18:35 functorface: to oh, just the most famous question in mathematics
1:19:05 twilson456zwan: lol
1:26:05 twilson456zwan: brb
1:29:40 twilson456zwan: k
1:37:14 twilson456zwan: you sleeping?
1:37:35 twilson456zwan: i guess so, see you tomorrow or somrthing

So basically, what the fuck? No fucking clue! I wonder if he's shattered that klein bottle I gave him, because it'd be probably the most reasonable thing to do, though that klein bottle had very interesting origins. I swear! I'll post about it in depth on a later night when I'm less tired. The story of how it came to be is cool. =) Just don't date, kiddos! You'll regret it. I'm really hungry, I'm contemplating eating some noodles. It will be very yummy. *yawn* Goodnight.

7 Comments:

  • You mentioned that a person needs to be independent first before getting into any relationships.. I would say the same thing goes for greatness. If someone wants to become great, they have to do it alone and then just maybe they can meet other great people and form relationships on "the other side"..

    By Anonymous Anónimo, at 07:36  

  • that is completely true, though i'm not exactly concerned with greatness more than i am concerned with existence.

    and while that is true for greatness as raw material, in our unfortunate society it is crucial to make contacts or you will never be "great" in the sense that people actually know about your greatness. but what i feel is this: why bother? dude you can be great without even trying... why *try* to be great, and why try to be *great* anyway? just live man... obsession with greatness is kind of silly...

    also.. with him... yeah... i don't know if i even like him anymore. some more intelligent people are catching my eye. hahahaha... just kidding ;) maybe this is a bitterness period? but i think i got over that period. he just doesn't give me the same high now; frankly i'm disgusted when i think about the things he said to me and how much of a jackass he was. that's not exactly a turn-on. i miss comfort and sweetness in general, i guess, coupled with lessons in number theory. maybe in reality i still like him a lot, but i've trained myself not to because i think about only the really crazy shitty and surprising things (and not the good side). those tend to (understandably) make me feel like i've wasted so much friggen time. i'm worth my own person, i have never been dependent on other people's praises and hugs. i've learned to not be so stupid. yay, lesson in demie's life ^.^

    okay... now for the more important lesson: where is my friggen topology book? lesson #2: i will not return gifts from my next ex-boyfriend anymore!! that topology book was important! i was learning a lot! fuck.

    just 'cos he's not important anymore doesn't mean math isn't important.. i'm not about to stall my progress for some blonde boy who obviously has never even liked me =P

    onward with point-set hehe ^___^

    well, i have absolutely NO HOMEWORK DUE UNTIL FRIDAY and i'm feeling rather good, so i'm going to write a few pages! mmkay! <3 you all

    bai

    By Blogger little miss demosthenes, at 23:41  

  • Hmm, demie, have you ever participated in any math competitions?

    By Anonymous Anónimo, at 15:51  

  • hmmm anonymous, i hate competitions with a passion, everyone who knows me knows that...

    math competitions = distortion at its worst

    By Blogger little miss demosthenes, at 01:22  

  • Study up on Galois theory, it's interesting. plus, who cares about studying so much math, you have decades to learn it all, might as well take your time and enjoy it as you go.

    By Anonymous Anónimo, at 08:58  

  • i'm not going to live past 30. i'm too stupid, i'll do something stupid/rash and end my life... drugs, car accident, crazy murder, slow and gradual deterioration, who knows? maybe i'll be fighting for the happiness of others. maybe i'll be fighting for the happiness of mine?
    the only thing i ask for is i don't die empty. i hope at whatever age i die, i finally am at peace with myself.
    oh... and this blog is kind of inactivish... i should ...... post something, right? lol

    By Blogger little miss demosthenes, at 09:24  

  • right

    By Anonymous Anónimo, at 11:22  

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