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6.12.05

i hate it when people lie to me

It's really cold out and Amber wouldn't let me go upstairs to get my comforter. Nor would she let me brush my teeth. I literally froze to death during the night; our radiator wasn't turned on because we don't control it. I really have no idea why I still acquiese to go to this school. I don't get the whole point of this blog, either. It's a far cry from asking for the help of utter strangers online, but is it really? Do I really hope that if I whine and cry and spill forth a frothing of poetic nonsense enough some kind-hearted physicist would post a comment that reads, "Hey dear, it's perfectly okay if you stay over at my house since you can't stand your home, and you can't stand your school either. I don't need to question you because I know there are some things you can't explain, ever. I understand that all people make some mistakes, and you made a very big one. I forgive you."? Do I really hope the dean of admissions of MIT would somehow stumble upon this site and read the actual reasons behind my seemingly mediocre transcript and let me in anyway? Do I really hope that someone could vouch for my existence, making sure that I'm not a reject from a factory assembly line, that I'm not damaged material but material that's been damaged, a thread spun from pure air, which isn't so pure anyway. It's not like I'm asking for pity here. I'm only asking if anyone else in the whole world is sane, and if they are, where are they hiding?

I went upstairs and heard a stream of conversations. None of them were interesting. I seem to have lost how an tight, hacking community felt, or how an aloof, crazy, bubble-wrapesque mathematicial community felt. I've forgotten, in the short few months stay at this hell. There used to be so much caring. So much you could even taste it, it was a part of the atmsophere, I swear it was, I swear I saw it and I'm not just making some shit up, it wasn't just idealistic, it was real, it was real because I saw it once, or maybe twice, or maybe negative eight times; I don't know, this school has really fucked up my memory. Some girl with thick braids stooped down to someone's face to teach her QCD despite already running late to the funeral of her mother. A young boy wearing a turquoise shirt was pouring water back into the drinking fountain. People refused to talk about shoemakers unless they were one.

I felt so cared for. I don't care if they were mostly ethereal, I don't care if my real friends these days hug me at night or offer their food or blanket or love. I don't want to be offered smiles. I want to be offered intellectual security.

I'm getting sick and tired of people telling me things will get better. Shut the fuck up! No, they won't! That is an amazingly immature tendency that 90% of humans seem to shackle onto. I don't want to be told lies. I want someone to look me in the face and tell me what I should do, instead of blindly dwelling on the current quite unchangeable situation. The problem is, when I express clearly what I want, people see that as permission to try and change who I am. I don't fucking want to be changed, you jackass, I want you to give me some sound advice! And you know what's sad? Most of that sound advice isn't worth jack, because they're trite, overrated, or said by people who haven't even experienced what they're saying. They're said by so-called adults and psychologists and invited dinner guests and in-laws and cashiers and famous mathematicians and cats and hobos and your mom. They're always uttered by people who tell you that they're right and you're wrong, and that you should be more open-minded and accept older people's word simply because they're older, and that you shouldn't always assume that you're right. They're always the misunderstood do-gooders who are never appreciated and frequently stomped upon, and I am the troubled (stereotype here) that can be remedied with a dash of cliché comforts. After all, it worked on everyone else, right? I fit in a box labeled Everyone Else. The Greeks also managed to square a circle. And every time I try to tell them that this doesn't really help me, people start saying how conceited I am and how I always think I'm different from everyone. I don't know why no one ever sees the contradiction in that sentence, but I guess many mathematical truths were proved through contradiction, so I should take your word for what it is because you're right and I'm wrong, and I don't even know if you ever even listen to me because I'm only a 14-year-old girl, and automatically I must be naïve, inexperienced, f'ugly, and insensitive.

5 Comments:

  • Well at least no one would claim that you're boring! As for your wanting someone to tell you what to do, are you sure you wouldn't rather want to form your own fate?

    "There are choices to be made. Period. There is no Right Or Wrong [ROW] choice, only the choices that eventually Makes You Feel A Certain Way [MYFACW]. Whether you choose to feel that way though, is still up to you: yet another choice."

    Maybe what you want is a copy of you, though in a form which demands your total respect, to tell you that exactly what you want to do is what you should do?

    What is it that you want? MIT? What's the reason you haven't been accepted, aren't you brilliant enough to impress them? If you're not, what are you doing wrong?

    By Anonymous Anónimo, at 16:21  

  • haha... the world doesn't always work that way. oh, and i've changed a lot since i've said that quotation. that doesn't make it void or anything; yeah, i still believe that, but sometimes you can't change the circumstances even after making an infinite amount of choices. yes, i do want a copy of me to tell me what to do, because i like to cheat fate. essentially there is no way i can tell myself what to do because i can't observe myself; i *am* me, but i still want an input from someone who's been through what i've been through and is going through what i'm going through, and who is basically me. so, i just want me to tell me what to do, only... not the me i am right now, because i can't.

    right?

    about the mit thing....... it's no surprising fact that some people who do get to mit don't deserve to, and others simply get left out in the cold. so many "able" people apply, i guess, so that the admissions process is almost a roll of the dice. you're telling me that i need to convince an utter stranger, who is probably of average intelligence and can't judge "brilliance" anyway, to let me in on the basis of my own word (which means soooo much, i'm sure), and some mediocre grades that i'm making due to my wishes on achieving more satisfying things in less than 30 seconds? on a sheet of paper? my fucking life and potential or whatever that shit on some packet that has my ssn and my sat scores? that really defines me. yeah. right.

    it's just how society works, man. i'm doing everything wrong, while at the same time i'm doing everything right. i'm completely right in pursuing my dreams and passions in a way that would, consequentially, not reflect me in a good way by societal standards (i.e., taking time away to write novel = b in calculus [i've learned that already, so why must i do 50 integration problems tonight when i could be sleeping?]). there is no way in fuck i can explain myself to them without getting them interested in me first. in the terms of college admissions, who look for vague things such as "depth," me making an impression that i'm an eccentric hobo (who's a girl! *gasp that's even more of a faux pas) and that a school has tried to kick me out on the grounds of disruption (i.e., "typing too loudly").... isn't exactly... conducive

    and who's the say i'm brilliant enough for them anyway? mit is overrated, i agree, but it's still better than most colleges. best is only relative, and for me, mit is the best choice. other colleges may have better people and better personalities and better music programs, but all i want is some place i can settle down and do some cute math research without being stared at for trying to. is that really so hard to ask for? why do adults get that freedom and children don't? i may not be brilliant, but i want opportunities, too.

    what is it that i want? fuck, i want a life of my own. i want really idealistic things that i know will never happen and have believed that... and have tried even to convince some people out of it, but it doesn't help the natural urge to want, does it? i can't control what i wish for, despite the overwhelming evidence that my wishes are irrational and unjustified. i wish for what i wish. i wish for two months worth of sleep, first; secondly wish i wish for the happiness of my friends, and some hardships to be removed off their shoulders; thirdly i wish for someone (of a certain degree of capability) who believes in me. not just saying they do, but truly meaning it. and i'd know that by their willingness to kinda "adopt" me and help me under these times, and to teach me all they know about anything i ask. their willingness to spend time with me, even. just their willingness. i know my friends do. but they can't teach me in the world of academia, nor can they tell the administration off and bend the policies. they're wonderful emotional support, but x to nothing when it comes to actual change. the problem isn't about changing a few red blocks to blue ones, it's about changing the fundamentals of what people believe in, which is silly, because a) i don't want other people to change but b) they won't stop doing what they're doing or thinking what they're thinking if they don't. think doesn't affect me, but do does. it affects me very much so, in a very real way.

    in the end, it all comes back down to me, still. if i were so "brilliant" as many of my friends claim.... i should be able to pull it off no matter what the obstacles are, right? i believe this is really just my fault anyway and i shouldn't be all emo over it on a public blog. pffft. there's one thing i'm sure about, and that is i'm pathetic.

    but i'm still cute, and i still wear pigtails, and i still eat pints of ice cream without getting fat or sick and thusly i can do anything in the world.

    By Blogger little miss demosthenes, at 20:39  

  • And you're still 14! Most people in your age aren't even in high-school yet and are far from a potential education at M.I.T.

    I'm not telling you to verbally convince someone to let you in, I'm saying that achievements in your current situation might do the trick. You have several years before you are of the age when one normally applies to college and you could view what you're currently doing as a practise ground for when the time comes. You don't HAVE to be enrolled at M.I.T to do mathematical research, or to learn most things taught at the institution. In a two/three-year period with enough focus you could learn enough and do enough to make perfect grades and S.A.T scores seem like nothing compared to your record and savvy, and since you're only 14 you would still be younger than average when you're accepted.

    Why do you feel that you have to move so quickly academically? The education you get in school, be it any school, isn't worth anything to your personal capacity to achieve great things. All it does is open doors so you can use what you've managed to learn on your own.

    You don't need some intelligent parental figure to adopt you in order to get the really idealistic things you want(unless it's your emotional side that's speaking), all you need is good judgment and clarity of thought.

    By Anonymous Anónimo, at 09:35  

  • lol i forgot to tell you, i skipped two grades, so i'm going to be a senior in like... two months.

    HAH

    i have time to impress them, yeah right.

    what do i do? win the tournament in slovakia? i'm going to slovakia on the 29th to participate in the world junior bridge tournament.

    ...and i learned how to play bridge two weeks ago.

    pfft, i don't know why i agreed. but hot eastern european algebraists...

    yeah!

    BINGO!

    By Blogger little miss demosthenes, at 13:12  

  • btw, i'm not a bridge prodigy, our school was put on scholarship... and since it was a free opportunity, i couldn't resist... especially if there were day trips to prague.

    gahh! europe <3

    By Blogger little miss demosthenes, at 13:14  

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